Running out of control

"Surrender to me your heart and you will do things you have never dreamed!"
Running out of control!
"Your life is not your own, love."
Why is it when I look around I see everything that is wrong? Everyone who is doing the wrong thing? Everyone who is longing for justice? Everyone who is hurt and desperately wants to be healed?
"Seek me and you will find me."
"Pray like crazy and obey me when you don't want to!"
I am running out of control. I cant control anything! It keeps slipping through my finger tips.
"Your life is not your own."
I know it isn't.
I'm afraid.
I am excited.
I am sad.
I am a roller coaster.
I am healing.
I am growing.
I am screaming.
I am holding on until you bless me!


I know miracles happen. I have experienced it. I have experienced the beginning of healing! You are healer. You are love. You are protector. You are Sun. You are life. You are air. You are alpha and omega, beginning and the end. You are the ancient of days. Praise you Father for all you have done. You are endurance. You are Encouragement. You are peace. You are blessing. You are heaven. You are calm. You are laughter. You are friend. You are song. You are master. You are leader. You are SAVIOR.

Your Faith has made you HEALED

Over the last few years I have been battling Rheumatoid Arthritis. For those of you who dont know what that is...1. it is not only for old people (which is what i used to think). 2. it is an Autoimmune disease where basically for some reason unknown to me your body decides to attack itself. 3. it makes your joints swell up and makes some days impossible to bend...there are horrendous pictures if you want to google. 4. it makes your body feel like crap. 5. once you have it...there is no cure...that we know of. Basically it sucks.

There is a passage in scripture where A blind man cries out to Jesus and says he wants to see him. Jesus replies, "“Go... your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. I know miracles happen, because I have heard about them from people I know. But I've always wondered...could it happen to me? Do I just have to believe enough? That sounds silly...God can do whatever he pleases. He is the God of the universe. He doesn't have to prove himself to me in order to be real. But I wonder if this is what other people with other diseases...like cancer or well whatever else, think about. Do they ever wonder if a miracle could happen to them? Does it make a difference if you believe more than another person? Or are we not "healed" physically so that we can be healed spiritually? Does he not makes us all better because that is not where our lives lead?

I know my king sits on a throne in heaven, yet loves the people he created. Its just been something I have been thinking about. I'm sick of the lame answers... the churchy, happy ones. I think everyone knows those. It's so easy to have all the answers when your body is healthy, or you have enough money to buy groceries, or the right guy or girl likes you. Its when the goin gets rough when you don't have any answers that this all counts.

For those of you who are going through a hard patch and there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, I can sympathize with you. I know what that looks like. I certainly dont have all the answers, and even though I believe in something greater than me, I still ask questions. I am still wanting to figure all this out. One day I will know, but for now I have to be patient and I think for most that is the hardest part. Or for those like me.

For now..waiting patiently.

Where your loved poured out

I have had a lot of time in the car in the last week...driving what seems a million hours to florida can do that to you. On the way home tonight this song began to play...

Lead me to the cross, where your loved poured out
Bring me to my knees, lord i lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to you
Lead me to your heart

If you do not know this song look it up on youtube.

This chorus caught me probably for a number of reasons. "Bring me to my knees," caught my attention because the last few months I have been continually brought to my knees..knowing that I cannot take another breath or step or even make it to class without His help.

The biggest thing that caught me was "Rid me of myself, I belong to you." It reminds me of Matthew 5 where Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in sprit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Blessed are the poor in spirit...what is that? I dont believe that jesus is saying that the people we see on the street who are poor, meaning have no place to live, no food are poor in spirit. What I mean is..that is not what he is defining the poor in spirit as...

Poor in spirit are those who recognize how evil the heart is. How morally bankrupt they are, how they dont have it all together...who are tired of themselves so much that they are on their knees begging for Jesus to take it away and fill them with himself. They are saying rid me of myself..my selfish desires, my wants, my everything. I think the poor in spirit are those who recognize their "moral bankruptcy" and are ready to do something about it.

I think I am finally beginning to understand more of what being poor in spirit is. This time as been horribly painful, but now that I have begun to process the last 4 months I am beginning to see what the Lord is slowly showing me. He is showing me that I am bankrupt..that I cannot do anything on my own. My wants and desires are selfish..I have begun to live my life for me and not for him. So he is leading me to the cross...where his love was poured out. He came to earth to live a life that we could not to die a death that I deserve. I know that I am not worthy enough on my own for his Kingdom, but through the power of his grace and sacrifice I am seen as perfect... Imagine that...Perfect.

The beginning of the song begins, Savior I come, quiet my soul...QUIET my soul Lord. He is in the process of quieting and healing, but first he has to break so that he can rebuild it (me) to be who he wants me to be...It is such a hard process...If any of you are there..I cant tell you how much I understand the pain. but remember this..God is our father and our king forever...He knows our every step and is with us every step of the way.

Bottom of the Barrel

Have you ever just felt like you have had enough? Like you just wanna punch the next person who lets you down? Or maybe you just feel like doing nothing because then you don't have to feel? What do you do? I know everyone tells you to pick yourself back up an keep your chin up and live life and just be you...yata yata yata (i think that is a word). But is it ok to be there at the bottom having nothing left for a while? I dont mean forever...well really i dont know how long i mean but is it ok? It is ok to finally recognize that you cant do this on your own that maybe there is something out there that is higher than you who can help you? It is ok to just be?

Just think about it for a few?

Is it ok to be contrary to what the world tells you.. "suck it up, chin up, man up...you'll be fine" and not be fine and admit you aren't fine?

This year as great as it has been has been one of the hardest, darkest years of my life...I've never been more alone in my life. First time to live off campus...ALONE (waiting for my roommate to come in November, but when she got here she ended up being engaged..AWESOMEE for her!! So excited for her but doesn't change the fact that I am alone). First time to be in a relationship of any sort..and yet I still ended up alone on the weekends, contrary to what people might say. First time to have a mentor (Who is incredible and i couldnt ask for anything better) yet when I leave something is still missing.

The theme of this year has been.. LONEliness.

WE so often try to fill that gap with everything...boys, sports, food, beauty, T.V., sleep, alcohol, pot...you name it, we try and fill the whole with it. But I wanna ask you..does it really work? Does it really make you feel complete? Does it make the nights (many nights) you are alone, not so bad? Does it take the ache away when all you really want is someone to talk to? Does it make you feel human again? DOES IT WORK?

I will tell you from my experience that it DOES NOT WORK. Having a boy to call your own does not make you feel complete. Having too much to drink doesn't cut it, eating too much definitely doesn't make you feel more human (other than feeling sick to your stomach). Watching a million movies (living vicariously through the actors and actresses) on friday and saturday nights (while wishing you were somewhere else) doesn't take the ache away and make that hole go away...

So where do you start? At the bottom...I think admitting you are at the bottom is the first step. I mean it is easy to be in denial and keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. I think it takes guts to admit that you cannot do this on your own. Im not really sure where to head after admitting it, but i do know that life is a process and sometimes you have to figure out the process of the process...and that can be really crappy at times.

My entire life I have been the one people have leaned on when they couldn't do it themselves...but now I am realizing that I need someone to lean on... there are times in our lives that we need others (someone) to live life on life with us, to help hold us up when we cant do it ourselves. Sometimes we need people to stand in the gap when we cannot do it on our own. I was that for someone this summer and I will tell you it can be the hardest but most peaceful, but HARDEST thing you can ever do. Everyone needs that. Everyone needs to be needed and does need someone as well.

I hold to the truth that God is there through the good times and bad, from before time began. He is on his thrown. NOthing I can do or believe or not believe will change that. He is there to be leaned on and lift the load when I cannot do it on my own. Sometimes, ok well a lot of times it is hard to believe because he is not sitting here in the flesh helping me, but then I look at my life and i can see how it has been dramatically changed by him. I would not be where I am today without him...I know so many people around me that would say that I have made myself who I am. I have climbed the ladder myself and I get through everything myself...but I still disagree. Every time I try "self perfect" or make myself better.. I fail. I fall on my face... Im probably not making any sense. But for those of you who have questions..feel free to ask. I have been here at the bottom and have been on top of the world.

Every day

As most of you dont know, Im a sap...big time. Im that girl who cries when people get married, or a hockey team wins the olympics. I day dream when I hear a song that talks about a man loving a woman or a song talking about a best friend. I am a country music fan inside and out. I have been since 8th grade and I don't think it will stop any time. There is a song sung by Rascal Flatts that is called, Every Day. I am sure whoever the lead singer is was talking about a woman, but when I hear it I think of my best friend. The beginning of the songs starts off by singing is,

" You could've bowed out gracefully, but you didn't. You knew enough to know to leave well enough alone, but you wouldn't. I drive myself crazy tryin' to stay out of my own way. The messes that I make, but my secrets are so safe. The only one who gets me, Yeah, you get me. It's amazing to me"

She is someone who I ALWAYS there for me...even when she knows I have not made the best decision, she is there. No judgement, just there. She has stuck around when anyone else would have left. And when I want to be left alone she sits and waits and brings me out of my dark hole, and for that I am thankful. She can see me and know what to say.... As I started thinking more about all of this I started thinking about all the conversations my dad has had with me recently. I never thought, 8 years ago, that my dad and I could sit in the same room, and not get mad at each other, but now we have been blessed. My dad is one of the wisest men I know. Over the last two years my dad has changed. He is more merciful now that he ever has been. He can listen and give advice (that you might not want to hear) but does it in a loving way. A way that makes you want to listen...for hours maybe. Anyways...he has been telling me a lot about what he has been learning and what it boils down to is God is revealing more and more of himself each day. He is a God who came to earth to live a life that none of us could to die a death that we all should die and now is a risen king. All of that is kind of a hug concept to grasp.

But to bring it back to the song..He could have bowed out gracefully. He could have said, "Sorry dad, I dont want to die this way. there has to be a better way." But no, he went a was beaten beyond recognition and nailed to a cross. He was lain in a tomb for 3 days and on the 3rd was risen form the dead. That just doesnt happen. No one just raises from the dead, but he did with the power of the holy spirit. He gave us each that same holy spirit to live in us when we accept him. The power that raised him from the dead, has the power to eternally change lives. He didn't leave us alone when we tell him to just "get out!" He knows we drive ourselves crazy trying to stay out of our own way but he doesn't care. He is ok with that mess...He says to us, "bring me your mess..give it to me ' for my yoke is easy and my burden is light(matt 11:30)'" SO many times I try and carry it all by myself..oh wait..still doing it. But it is so much harder this way. It is easy to carry a burden with someone else...better to live life on life with someone else. we were made for companionship.

I think I am writing this more to assure myself that this true cause this last semester I have felt like a mess. There have been glimpses of hope but I just want to get out of my own way and just get out. I want to break free. I am tired of trying and hurting and falling and breaking. I know that all of this is a process and life is a painful process so many times but it is through the hard times that we grow the most. Tomorrow is christmas..shoot that makes tonight christmas eve. christmas is not about the stuff we get. It is a time for us to remember that the most important person to ever be born was born on christmas. And I think we need to remember that. I need to remember that.

Merry christmas to you all.

That's her...

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

I think when girls read the quote, we all sigh and the longing in our hearts becomes even greater. Every girl wants this. Every girl wants to be adored and see as "the only one for him. I think after we girls read this quote, we wait a few minutes day dreaming, and then most come crashing back down into reality..." that can never happen to me. That only happens in fairytales or to that girl, but not to me." We have a pity party thinking there is no one like that for us...and then we settle. GIRLs! DONT settle for anything less that this. You are beautiful on the inside and out and for you to settle for mediocre is shorting yourself on something you deserve.

Ya ya i know you have heard that speech a million times. And you are still telling yourself that there is no guy out there like that for you. Well first, stop thinking you aren't worth it! Because you are. If you start treating yourself like you are worth it ( not in a selfish arrogant way) it will rub off and people will start to see you that way. Hold your guy to a higher standard. If you want to be pursued (like we all do) dont call him all the time. If he wants to hang out with you he should have to call you. Im not saying play hard to catch in the annoying way, but dont be that girl who is always calling and txting. Its lame! (I've been there, done that, still do that).

Girls, know that you are a gem. No one determines your self worth but the Lord and you chose if you see yourself the way he does. I am in the process of waiting. As we all wait together, do not lose hope. The lord knows the desires of your heart and he will give them to you in his timing (if they are of him). Dont lose hope. Im in this with you and I know how frustrating it can be...to feel like you are the only one left, or all of your friends are getting married or have boyfriends who love them. I know it is hard to watch. I'm there. And on the days I'm discouraged with my own relationships I have to choose to believe that my worth is found in christ and no one can take that away from me. Hang in there champs.

falling and learning to trust

DO you ever just have those days? Like everything possible that is good happens, yet at the end of the day you just lose it? Life on the outside looks great, but really its not and you want it to really be good again...the hole in your heart is not filled. You know that ultimately the only one who can fill it is God, but in that moment you just want someone to be there; hug you, hold you, let you scream, kick, and cry and not tell you for the millionth time that its all gunna be ok because you know in the end you are gunna be ok, but in the moment you just wanna tell em to shut it? is it really gunna be ok? Are you gunna make it thru the night? yes. yes and yes. Would it just make life better if you could see where you are going and not have to trust that it was gunna be ok? YES! maybe. Trust...its kinda a big concept if you think about it. When you trust someone you are putting faith in them that they know what is best and they are going to help you through it. They are going to keep you safe. God is gunna teach you, lead you, love you, push you, test you....