"Surrender to me your heart and you will do things you have never dreamed!"
Running out of control!
"Your life is not your own, love."
Why is it when I look around I see everything that is wrong? Everyone who is doing the wrong thing? Everyone who is longing for justice? Everyone who is hurt and desperately wants to be healed?
"Seek me and you will find me."
"Pray like crazy and obey me when you don't want to!"
I am running out of control. I cant control anything! It keeps slipping through my finger tips.
"Your life is not your own."
I know it isn't.
I'm afraid.
I am excited.
I am sad.
I am a roller coaster.
I am healing.
I am growing.
I am screaming.
I am holding on until you bless me!
I know miracles happen. I have experienced it. I have experienced the beginning of healing! You are healer. You are love. You are protector. You are Sun. You are life. You are air. You are alpha and omega, beginning and the end. You are the ancient of days. Praise you Father for all you have done. You are endurance. You are Encouragement. You are peace. You are blessing. You are heaven. You are calm. You are laughter. You are friend. You are song. You are master. You are leader. You are SAVIOR.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Your Faith has made you HEALED
Over the last few years I have been battling Rheumatoid Arthritis. For those of you who dont know what that is...1. it is not only for old people (which is what i used to think). 2. it is an Autoimmune disease where basically for some reason unknown to me your body decides to attack itself. 3. it makes your joints swell up and makes some days impossible to bend...there are horrendous pictures if you want to google. 4. it makes your body feel like crap. 5. once you have it...there is no cure...that we know of. Basically it sucks.
There is a passage in scripture where A blind man cries out to Jesus and says he wants to see him. Jesus replies, "“Go... your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. I know miracles happen, because I have heard about them from people I know. But I've always wondered...could it happen to me? Do I just have to believe enough? That sounds silly...God can do whatever he pleases. He is the God of the universe. He doesn't have to prove himself to me in order to be real. But I wonder if this is what other people with other diseases...like cancer or well whatever else, think about. Do they ever wonder if a miracle could happen to them? Does it make a difference if you believe more than another person? Or are we not "healed" physically so that we can be healed spiritually? Does he not makes us all better because that is not where our lives lead?
I know my king sits on a throne in heaven, yet loves the people he created. Its just been something I have been thinking about. I'm sick of the lame answers... the churchy, happy ones. I think everyone knows those. It's so easy to have all the answers when your body is healthy, or you have enough money to buy groceries, or the right guy or girl likes you. Its when the goin gets rough when you don't have any answers that this all counts.
For those of you who are going through a hard patch and there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, I can sympathize with you. I know what that looks like. I certainly dont have all the answers, and even though I believe in something greater than me, I still ask questions. I am still wanting to figure all this out. One day I will know, but for now I have to be patient and I think for most that is the hardest part. Or for those like me.
For now..waiting patiently.
There is a passage in scripture where A blind man cries out to Jesus and says he wants to see him. Jesus replies, "“Go... your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. I know miracles happen, because I have heard about them from people I know. But I've always wondered...could it happen to me? Do I just have to believe enough? That sounds silly...God can do whatever he pleases. He is the God of the universe. He doesn't have to prove himself to me in order to be real. But I wonder if this is what other people with other diseases...like cancer or well whatever else, think about. Do they ever wonder if a miracle could happen to them? Does it make a difference if you believe more than another person? Or are we not "healed" physically so that we can be healed spiritually? Does he not makes us all better because that is not where our lives lead?
I know my king sits on a throne in heaven, yet loves the people he created. Its just been something I have been thinking about. I'm sick of the lame answers... the churchy, happy ones. I think everyone knows those. It's so easy to have all the answers when your body is healthy, or you have enough money to buy groceries, or the right guy or girl likes you. Its when the goin gets rough when you don't have any answers that this all counts.
For those of you who are going through a hard patch and there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, I can sympathize with you. I know what that looks like. I certainly dont have all the answers, and even though I believe in something greater than me, I still ask questions. I am still wanting to figure all this out. One day I will know, but for now I have to be patient and I think for most that is the hardest part. Or for those like me.
For now..waiting patiently.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Where your loved poured out
I have had a lot of time in the car in the last week...driving what seems a million hours to florida can do that to you. On the way home tonight this song began to play...
Lead me to the cross, where your loved poured out
Bring me to my knees, lord i lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to you
Lead me to your heart
If you do not know this song look it up on youtube.
This chorus caught me probably for a number of reasons. "Bring me to my knees," caught my attention because the last few months I have been continually brought to my knees..knowing that I cannot take another breath or step or even make it to class without His help.
The biggest thing that caught me was "Rid me of myself, I belong to you." It reminds me of Matthew 5 where Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in sprit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Blessed are the poor in spirit...what is that? I dont believe that jesus is saying that the people we see on the street who are poor, meaning have no place to live, no food are poor in spirit. What I mean is..that is not what he is defining the poor in spirit as...
Poor in spirit are those who recognize how evil the heart is. How morally bankrupt they are, how they dont have it all together...who are tired of themselves so much that they are on their knees begging for Jesus to take it away and fill them with himself. They are saying rid me of myself..my selfish desires, my wants, my everything. I think the poor in spirit are those who recognize their "moral bankruptcy" and are ready to do something about it.
I think I am finally beginning to understand more of what being poor in spirit is. This time as been horribly painful, but now that I have begun to process the last 4 months I am beginning to see what the Lord is slowly showing me. He is showing me that I am bankrupt..that I cannot do anything on my own. My wants and desires are selfish..I have begun to live my life for me and not for him. So he is leading me to the cross...where his love was poured out. He came to earth to live a life that we could not to die a death that I deserve. I know that I am not worthy enough on my own for his Kingdom, but through the power of his grace and sacrifice I am seen as perfect... Imagine that...Perfect.
The beginning of the song begins, Savior I come, quiet my soul...QUIET my soul Lord. He is in the process of quieting and healing, but first he has to break so that he can rebuild it (me) to be who he wants me to be...It is such a hard process...If any of you are there..I cant tell you how much I understand the pain. but remember this..God is our father and our king forever...He knows our every step and is with us every step of the way.
Lead me to the cross, where your loved poured out
Bring me to my knees, lord i lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to you
Lead me to your heart
If you do not know this song look it up on youtube.
This chorus caught me probably for a number of reasons. "Bring me to my knees," caught my attention because the last few months I have been continually brought to my knees..knowing that I cannot take another breath or step or even make it to class without His help.
The biggest thing that caught me was "Rid me of myself, I belong to you." It reminds me of Matthew 5 where Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in sprit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Blessed are the poor in spirit...what is that? I dont believe that jesus is saying that the people we see on the street who are poor, meaning have no place to live, no food are poor in spirit. What I mean is..that is not what he is defining the poor in spirit as...
Poor in spirit are those who recognize how evil the heart is. How morally bankrupt they are, how they dont have it all together...who are tired of themselves so much that they are on their knees begging for Jesus to take it away and fill them with himself. They are saying rid me of myself..my selfish desires, my wants, my everything. I think the poor in spirit are those who recognize their "moral bankruptcy" and are ready to do something about it.
I think I am finally beginning to understand more of what being poor in spirit is. This time as been horribly painful, but now that I have begun to process the last 4 months I am beginning to see what the Lord is slowly showing me. He is showing me that I am bankrupt..that I cannot do anything on my own. My wants and desires are selfish..I have begun to live my life for me and not for him. So he is leading me to the cross...where his love was poured out. He came to earth to live a life that we could not to die a death that I deserve. I know that I am not worthy enough on my own for his Kingdom, but through the power of his grace and sacrifice I am seen as perfect... Imagine that...Perfect.
The beginning of the song begins, Savior I come, quiet my soul...QUIET my soul Lord. He is in the process of quieting and healing, but first he has to break so that he can rebuild it (me) to be who he wants me to be...It is such a hard process...If any of you are there..I cant tell you how much I understand the pain. but remember this..God is our father and our king forever...He knows our every step and is with us every step of the way.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Bottom of the Barrel
Have you ever just felt like you have had enough? Like you just wanna punch the next person who lets you down? Or maybe you just feel like doing nothing because then you don't have to feel? What do you do? I know everyone tells you to pick yourself back up an keep your chin up and live life and just be you...yata yata yata (i think that is a word). But is it ok to be there at the bottom having nothing left for a while? I dont mean forever...well really i dont know how long i mean but is it ok? It is ok to finally recognize that you cant do this on your own that maybe there is something out there that is higher than you who can help you? It is ok to just be?
Just think about it for a few?
Is it ok to be contrary to what the world tells you.. "suck it up, chin up, man up...you'll be fine" and not be fine and admit you aren't fine?
This year as great as it has been has been one of the hardest, darkest years of my life...I've never been more alone in my life. First time to live off campus...ALONE (waiting for my roommate to come in November, but when she got here she ended up being engaged..AWESOMEE for her!! So excited for her but doesn't change the fact that I am alone). First time to be in a relationship of any sort..and yet I still ended up alone on the weekends, contrary to what people might say. First time to have a mentor (Who is incredible and i couldnt ask for anything better) yet when I leave something is still missing.
The theme of this year has been.. LONEliness.
WE so often try to fill that gap with everything...boys, sports, food, beauty, T.V., sleep, alcohol, pot...you name it, we try and fill the whole with it. But I wanna ask you..does it really work? Does it really make you feel complete? Does it make the nights (many nights) you are alone, not so bad? Does it take the ache away when all you really want is someone to talk to? Does it make you feel human again? DOES IT WORK?
I will tell you from my experience that it DOES NOT WORK. Having a boy to call your own does not make you feel complete. Having too much to drink doesn't cut it, eating too much definitely doesn't make you feel more human (other than feeling sick to your stomach). Watching a million movies (living vicariously through the actors and actresses) on friday and saturday nights (while wishing you were somewhere else) doesn't take the ache away and make that hole go away...
So where do you start? At the bottom...I think admitting you are at the bottom is the first step. I mean it is easy to be in denial and keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. I think it takes guts to admit that you cannot do this on your own. Im not really sure where to head after admitting it, but i do know that life is a process and sometimes you have to figure out the process of the process...and that can be really crappy at times.
My entire life I have been the one people have leaned on when they couldn't do it themselves...but now I am realizing that I need someone to lean on... there are times in our lives that we need others (someone) to live life on life with us, to help hold us up when we cant do it ourselves. Sometimes we need people to stand in the gap when we cannot do it on our own. I was that for someone this summer and I will tell you it can be the hardest but most peaceful, but HARDEST thing you can ever do. Everyone needs that. Everyone needs to be needed and does need someone as well.
I hold to the truth that God is there through the good times and bad, from before time began. He is on his thrown. NOthing I can do or believe or not believe will change that. He is there to be leaned on and lift the load when I cannot do it on my own. Sometimes, ok well a lot of times it is hard to believe because he is not sitting here in the flesh helping me, but then I look at my life and i can see how it has been dramatically changed by him. I would not be where I am today without him...I know so many people around me that would say that I have made myself who I am. I have climbed the ladder myself and I get through everything myself...but I still disagree. Every time I try "self perfect" or make myself better.. I fail. I fall on my face... Im probably not making any sense. But for those of you who have questions..feel free to ask. I have been here at the bottom and have been on top of the world.
Just think about it for a few?
Is it ok to be contrary to what the world tells you.. "suck it up, chin up, man up...you'll be fine" and not be fine and admit you aren't fine?
This year as great as it has been has been one of the hardest, darkest years of my life...I've never been more alone in my life. First time to live off campus...ALONE (waiting for my roommate to come in November, but when she got here she ended up being engaged..AWESOMEE for her!! So excited for her but doesn't change the fact that I am alone). First time to be in a relationship of any sort..and yet I still ended up alone on the weekends, contrary to what people might say. First time to have a mentor (Who is incredible and i couldnt ask for anything better) yet when I leave something is still missing.
The theme of this year has been.. LONEliness.
WE so often try to fill that gap with everything...boys, sports, food, beauty, T.V., sleep, alcohol, pot...you name it, we try and fill the whole with it. But I wanna ask you..does it really work? Does it really make you feel complete? Does it make the nights (many nights) you are alone, not so bad? Does it take the ache away when all you really want is someone to talk to? Does it make you feel human again? DOES IT WORK?
I will tell you from my experience that it DOES NOT WORK. Having a boy to call your own does not make you feel complete. Having too much to drink doesn't cut it, eating too much definitely doesn't make you feel more human (other than feeling sick to your stomach). Watching a million movies (living vicariously through the actors and actresses) on friday and saturday nights (while wishing you were somewhere else) doesn't take the ache away and make that hole go away...
So where do you start? At the bottom...I think admitting you are at the bottom is the first step. I mean it is easy to be in denial and keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. I think it takes guts to admit that you cannot do this on your own. Im not really sure where to head after admitting it, but i do know that life is a process and sometimes you have to figure out the process of the process...and that can be really crappy at times.
My entire life I have been the one people have leaned on when they couldn't do it themselves...but now I am realizing that I need someone to lean on... there are times in our lives that we need others (someone) to live life on life with us, to help hold us up when we cant do it ourselves. Sometimes we need people to stand in the gap when we cannot do it on our own. I was that for someone this summer and I will tell you it can be the hardest but most peaceful, but HARDEST thing you can ever do. Everyone needs that. Everyone needs to be needed and does need someone as well.
I hold to the truth that God is there through the good times and bad, from before time began. He is on his thrown. NOthing I can do or believe or not believe will change that. He is there to be leaned on and lift the load when I cannot do it on my own. Sometimes, ok well a lot of times it is hard to believe because he is not sitting here in the flesh helping me, but then I look at my life and i can see how it has been dramatically changed by him. I would not be where I am today without him...I know so many people around me that would say that I have made myself who I am. I have climbed the ladder myself and I get through everything myself...but I still disagree. Every time I try "self perfect" or make myself better.. I fail. I fall on my face... Im probably not making any sense. But for those of you who have questions..feel free to ask. I have been here at the bottom and have been on top of the world.
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