Restless and Hoping

Have you ever sat with a group of people feeling completely disconnected from everything and everyone? You aren't mad at any one or even had a bad day, but something just isn't right? You feel restless and like something big is about to happen in your life but you don't know what? Part of you is scared to death and the other is breathing a sigh of relief. This has been me for the last semester, really the last few weeks. I have felt restless here at school longing for something drastic and different to happen, but at the same time I am scared to death. I'm not happy about where I am in my life. It feels stagnant at times. I mean I can say all the right things, believe the right things, and even do the right things, but at the end of the day that doesn't mean anything if there is no movement or real faith. It's a time in my life when I have No Idea what I want in my life or out of my life. My Dad has been soo helpful in trying to help me decide what I want to do with my life, but listening to him talk about what I should do with my life makes me frustrated because I don't just want to go to PT (Physical Therapy) school or business school or who knows what and just do what everyone else does with their life. I want to be someone who is remembered for being different and helping to change lives. So this is nothing against my family... (I hope all of you know that! I love you more than you know and more than I tell you! But I do! A ton and I miss you!) I have a friend who has been an inspiration (as well as a troublesome burden) to me. This friend can do anything they put their mind to and I am convinced that at some time in their life time they will change the world, and part of me wants to be apart of that (world/life changing stuff). And the other part of me says, "But what will I miss if I do that and commit?" And that is what bothers me. I don't want to be hesitant in what the Lord is calling me to do, and I don't want to miss it either because I have been to caught up in myself.

There is a part of me that wants to try many new things...like SKY DIVING, Hang gliding, Ice skating, Playing piano again, a 1 1/2 off the diving board (my friends here know I am obsessed with it).... I feel like school holds nothing for me... which I know is untrue. But I just feel restless.... I think that is how I can sum it all up.

I am currently listening to Yearn by Shane and Shane...and it talks about Yearning for the Lord and Burning with Passion for Him, and I don't feel that in my life right now. I know that He is always there and the King of my life, but I think that I haven't made him the one and only King in my life. I want to burn with passion for him. And not be intimidated by those who aren't believers and just want to pick a fight or see me backed into a corner. This summer at Kamp, Andy Braner, talked about sharing our faith in Institute. And he told us or asked us..."what do you have to lose? Nothing anyone can do or say will kick the King off the Throne of Heaven." I want to live life like that! Fearless of what people will do or say to me, knowing that my Father is the King of the universe and forever thankful that I have nothing to worry.

I was reading Psalm 119 today. David writes so much about loving the Lord and wanting to keep his commandments. He writes, How can a young man keep his ways Pure? By guarding it according to His word. With my whole heart I seek you, let me not wander from your commandments! I I have stored up you word in my heart that I might not sin against you... My soul melts away with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word...let your steadfast love come to me...Your hands have made and fashioned me; Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments...My eyes long for your promise, I ask,"when will you comfort me?"..." This is only a part of it. But all of this has become my prayer. That I may seek him to gain understanding and follow his ways without wavering.

Please pray for me in the next days, weeks, months...as school comes to an end and i got home for christmas and then the summer...and as I am trying to figure out what to do next.