Restless and Hoping

Have you ever sat with a group of people feeling completely disconnected from everything and everyone? You aren't mad at any one or even had a bad day, but something just isn't right? You feel restless and like something big is about to happen in your life but you don't know what? Part of you is scared to death and the other is breathing a sigh of relief. This has been me for the last semester, really the last few weeks. I have felt restless here at school longing for something drastic and different to happen, but at the same time I am scared to death. I'm not happy about where I am in my life. It feels stagnant at times. I mean I can say all the right things, believe the right things, and even do the right things, but at the end of the day that doesn't mean anything if there is no movement or real faith. It's a time in my life when I have No Idea what I want in my life or out of my life. My Dad has been soo helpful in trying to help me decide what I want to do with my life, but listening to him talk about what I should do with my life makes me frustrated because I don't just want to go to PT (Physical Therapy) school or business school or who knows what and just do what everyone else does with their life. I want to be someone who is remembered for being different and helping to change lives. So this is nothing against my family... (I hope all of you know that! I love you more than you know and more than I tell you! But I do! A ton and I miss you!) I have a friend who has been an inspiration (as well as a troublesome burden) to me. This friend can do anything they put their mind to and I am convinced that at some time in their life time they will change the world, and part of me wants to be apart of that (world/life changing stuff). And the other part of me says, "But what will I miss if I do that and commit?" And that is what bothers me. I don't want to be hesitant in what the Lord is calling me to do, and I don't want to miss it either because I have been to caught up in myself.

There is a part of me that wants to try many new things...like SKY DIVING, Hang gliding, Ice skating, Playing piano again, a 1 1/2 off the diving board (my friends here know I am obsessed with it).... I feel like school holds nothing for me... which I know is untrue. But I just feel restless.... I think that is how I can sum it all up.

I am currently listening to Yearn by Shane and Shane...and it talks about Yearning for the Lord and Burning with Passion for Him, and I don't feel that in my life right now. I know that He is always there and the King of my life, but I think that I haven't made him the one and only King in my life. I want to burn with passion for him. And not be intimidated by those who aren't believers and just want to pick a fight or see me backed into a corner. This summer at Kamp, Andy Braner, talked about sharing our faith in Institute. And he told us or asked us..."what do you have to lose? Nothing anyone can do or say will kick the King off the Throne of Heaven." I want to live life like that! Fearless of what people will do or say to me, knowing that my Father is the King of the universe and forever thankful that I have nothing to worry.

I was reading Psalm 119 today. David writes so much about loving the Lord and wanting to keep his commandments. He writes, How can a young man keep his ways Pure? By guarding it according to His word. With my whole heart I seek you, let me not wander from your commandments! I I have stored up you word in my heart that I might not sin against you... My soul melts away with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word...let your steadfast love come to me...Your hands have made and fashioned me; Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments...My eyes long for your promise, I ask,"when will you comfort me?"..." This is only a part of it. But all of this has become my prayer. That I may seek him to gain understanding and follow his ways without wavering.

Please pray for me in the next days, weeks, months...as school comes to an end and i got home for christmas and then the summer...and as I am trying to figure out what to do next.

Letting Go

I have come to realize in the last months that there is a theme that keeps reoccurring in my life and that is LETTING GO of things that I have no control over. I also realize that I am terrible at it and wonder why I am continually being called to give up the things that I care about the most. Maybe it is because I put them above taking care of myself and my relationship with my father that will never end. Maybe this is all to help me learn even more every day how much that I cannot do anything by myself but it is through God's grace that I am able to do anything. This is still something that I have to work on and at times letting go is a struggle because it means that I am not in control and I have to surrender.

here is a poem that I saw...


To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
because: The time to love is short

I am so thankful everyday for God's promise that he will never leave me!!

They were walking hand in hand

As I was studying tonight in my room, which has a great view of the mountains and of all the other surrounding dorms, I saw an elderly couple walking towards the stadium hand in hand. You don't see that much these days. It seems to me that there are more divorces now than ever before. It seems that we have forgotten what marriage is all about. We get married now and for many as soon as trouble comes the couple splits...leaving some families with disaster. Seeing that couple tonight brought a smile to my face and gave me hope for the future... that a marriage can last when it is set on a firm foundation... Jesus Christ. My parents have been a great example for me of a couple who deeply loves each other even through each other's blemishes and circumstances that can seem impossible. It is not always flowers and good times... but they have shown me that two people can make it, even in a society that we have today that tells us that if we aren't happy... then we should do whatever it takes to make us happy. False... God never told us that life would be easy... in fact he tells us beginning at the fall of man that life will be really hard, but he gives us his promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us. If our marriages are founded on Him, then no matter what happens... we can make it. Yeah there may be scars, but with Him, he will carry us through those times and heal our hearts... all with his perfect timing. I hope that we can learn from the generations before us... they have set a good example for us in a society that is turning way.

Moses

Have you ever been asked questions about what you believe in and you should be able to give an answer but you just get all tongue tide? Pick me!! Lately I have been questioned a lot about my faith...and to be honest.. it is really frustrating to be asked a question that the answer seems like a "No Duh" answer to me and should be able to give an answer, but instead I stumble almost every time. I feel like Moses when God told him to go back to Egypt and tell the Pharaoh to let his people go and he protested saying that he was not good with words, when really all he needed to do was say, "Ok God, I trust you!" I feel inadequate when asked about my faith if it is not an "easy" answer. I don't know what God is teaching me, but I know that right now it is a frustrating process, cause I get made fun of..all in jest... but it really hits home these days.

Perfect timing

God brings us friends when we need them. And sometimes it is when we least expect it, but we are in great need. I have a friend who helped me conqueror a "demon" that has been troubling me for MONTHS! My parents and friends had been telling me the same thing for months, but it wasn't until we met that what was said to me just made sense even though I did not like it. For the first time it felt like the right thing to to. And it came from a person, who to be honest I didn't think we would be friends, but I was wrong. And am glad that I was. God's timing can come at the most random times. I am glad to know that I can always be assured that he will be there for me no matter what. God is an awesome God!

Can anybody hear her?

Have you ever lost a best friend? Have you ever experienced the ache deep down when you know that you can't just call them on the phone to vent to them, or when you need advice, or just someone to listen? Did it ever feel like a part of you was just not there? What do you do with that? Do you shove it away to be apart of the past? Or do you keep it with you knowing that for some reason that you aren't sure of yet, it was worth it? Do you ever wonder where things went wrong and how you could have changed it? I'm still trying to figure it all out. The one thing that I do know is that my heavenly Father loves me more than anyone and will be there to catch me and set me back on my feet again. He is my comfort and my strength.

An island in His hands

Have you ever stood in a crowd of people and felt completely alone? Have you ever had people look at you funny because they know you are different and don't know how to treat you? Tonight felt like that. I was with a group of friends listening to a band surrounded by a lot of people and felt like I was on an island. Is this what it is like to be a Christian? Are we to stand alone knowing that people may look at us weird and leave us out? Yet we still have to lift our heads high and go on knowing we are doing His work? That's what life is supposed to be.
God called us to serve him no matter what. He told us that the world may hate us but that we were to follow him no matter what because that reward will be greater than we will ever be able to imagine. We will spend our eternity with him! He never told us that it would be easy...He knows that there will be times that it will seem to be impossible, but I was reminded by a friend that God never gives us anything we can't handle. He knows what we are capable of handling and knows that we will make it out the other side relying more on him than we ever did before. He wants to draw us closer to himself even if it hurts. He will never let us go no matter what! He loves us that much. That is what I have to keep reminding myself of... Im here for a purpose and I can handle whatever comes my way!