I have had a lot of time in the car in the last week...driving what seems a million hours to florida can do that to you. On the way home tonight this song began to play...
Lead me to the cross, where your loved poured out
Bring me to my knees, lord i lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to you
Lead me to your heart
If you do not know this song look it up on youtube.
This chorus caught me probably for a number of reasons. "Bring me to my knees," caught my attention because the last few months I have been continually brought to my knees..knowing that I cannot take another breath or step or even make it to class without His help.
The biggest thing that caught me was "Rid me of myself, I belong to you." It reminds me of Matthew 5 where Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in sprit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Blessed are the poor in spirit...what is that? I dont believe that jesus is saying that the people we see on the street who are poor, meaning have no place to live, no food are poor in spirit. What I mean is..that is not what he is defining the poor in spirit as...
Poor in spirit are those who recognize how evil the heart is. How morally bankrupt they are, how they dont have it all together...who are tired of themselves so much that they are on their knees begging for Jesus to take it away and fill them with himself. They are saying rid me of myself..my selfish desires, my wants, my everything. I think the poor in spirit are those who recognize their "moral bankruptcy" and are ready to do something about it.
I think I am finally beginning to understand more of what being poor in spirit is. This time as been horribly painful, but now that I have begun to process the last 4 months I am beginning to see what the Lord is slowly showing me. He is showing me that I am bankrupt..that I cannot do anything on my own. My wants and desires are selfish..I have begun to live my life for me and not for him. So he is leading me to the cross...where his love was poured out. He came to earth to live a life that we could not to die a death that I deserve. I know that I am not worthy enough on my own for his Kingdom, but through the power of his grace and sacrifice I am seen as perfect... Imagine that...Perfect.
The beginning of the song begins, Savior I come, quiet my soul...QUIET my soul Lord. He is in the process of quieting and healing, but first he has to break so that he can rebuild it (me) to be who he wants me to be...It is such a hard process...If any of you are there..I cant tell you how much I understand the pain. but remember this..God is our father and our king forever...He knows our every step and is with us every step of the way.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Bottom of the Barrel
Have you ever just felt like you have had enough? Like you just wanna punch the next person who lets you down? Or maybe you just feel like doing nothing because then you don't have to feel? What do you do? I know everyone tells you to pick yourself back up an keep your chin up and live life and just be you...yata yata yata (i think that is a word). But is it ok to be there at the bottom having nothing left for a while? I dont mean forever...well really i dont know how long i mean but is it ok? It is ok to finally recognize that you cant do this on your own that maybe there is something out there that is higher than you who can help you? It is ok to just be?
Just think about it for a few?
Is it ok to be contrary to what the world tells you.. "suck it up, chin up, man up...you'll be fine" and not be fine and admit you aren't fine?
This year as great as it has been has been one of the hardest, darkest years of my life...I've never been more alone in my life. First time to live off campus...ALONE (waiting for my roommate to come in November, but when she got here she ended up being engaged..AWESOMEE for her!! So excited for her but doesn't change the fact that I am alone). First time to be in a relationship of any sort..and yet I still ended up alone on the weekends, contrary to what people might say. First time to have a mentor (Who is incredible and i couldnt ask for anything better) yet when I leave something is still missing.
The theme of this year has been.. LONEliness.
WE so often try to fill that gap with everything...boys, sports, food, beauty, T.V., sleep, alcohol, pot...you name it, we try and fill the whole with it. But I wanna ask you..does it really work? Does it really make you feel complete? Does it make the nights (many nights) you are alone, not so bad? Does it take the ache away when all you really want is someone to talk to? Does it make you feel human again? DOES IT WORK?
I will tell you from my experience that it DOES NOT WORK. Having a boy to call your own does not make you feel complete. Having too much to drink doesn't cut it, eating too much definitely doesn't make you feel more human (other than feeling sick to your stomach). Watching a million movies (living vicariously through the actors and actresses) on friday and saturday nights (while wishing you were somewhere else) doesn't take the ache away and make that hole go away...
So where do you start? At the bottom...I think admitting you are at the bottom is the first step. I mean it is easy to be in denial and keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. I think it takes guts to admit that you cannot do this on your own. Im not really sure where to head after admitting it, but i do know that life is a process and sometimes you have to figure out the process of the process...and that can be really crappy at times.
My entire life I have been the one people have leaned on when they couldn't do it themselves...but now I am realizing that I need someone to lean on... there are times in our lives that we need others (someone) to live life on life with us, to help hold us up when we cant do it ourselves. Sometimes we need people to stand in the gap when we cannot do it on our own. I was that for someone this summer and I will tell you it can be the hardest but most peaceful, but HARDEST thing you can ever do. Everyone needs that. Everyone needs to be needed and does need someone as well.
I hold to the truth that God is there through the good times and bad, from before time began. He is on his thrown. NOthing I can do or believe or not believe will change that. He is there to be leaned on and lift the load when I cannot do it on my own. Sometimes, ok well a lot of times it is hard to believe because he is not sitting here in the flesh helping me, but then I look at my life and i can see how it has been dramatically changed by him. I would not be where I am today without him...I know so many people around me that would say that I have made myself who I am. I have climbed the ladder myself and I get through everything myself...but I still disagree. Every time I try "self perfect" or make myself better.. I fail. I fall on my face... Im probably not making any sense. But for those of you who have questions..feel free to ask. I have been here at the bottom and have been on top of the world.
Just think about it for a few?
Is it ok to be contrary to what the world tells you.. "suck it up, chin up, man up...you'll be fine" and not be fine and admit you aren't fine?
This year as great as it has been has been one of the hardest, darkest years of my life...I've never been more alone in my life. First time to live off campus...ALONE (waiting for my roommate to come in November, but when she got here she ended up being engaged..AWESOMEE for her!! So excited for her but doesn't change the fact that I am alone). First time to be in a relationship of any sort..and yet I still ended up alone on the weekends, contrary to what people might say. First time to have a mentor (Who is incredible and i couldnt ask for anything better) yet when I leave something is still missing.
The theme of this year has been.. LONEliness.
WE so often try to fill that gap with everything...boys, sports, food, beauty, T.V., sleep, alcohol, pot...you name it, we try and fill the whole with it. But I wanna ask you..does it really work? Does it really make you feel complete? Does it make the nights (many nights) you are alone, not so bad? Does it take the ache away when all you really want is someone to talk to? Does it make you feel human again? DOES IT WORK?
I will tell you from my experience that it DOES NOT WORK. Having a boy to call your own does not make you feel complete. Having too much to drink doesn't cut it, eating too much definitely doesn't make you feel more human (other than feeling sick to your stomach). Watching a million movies (living vicariously through the actors and actresses) on friday and saturday nights (while wishing you were somewhere else) doesn't take the ache away and make that hole go away...
So where do you start? At the bottom...I think admitting you are at the bottom is the first step. I mean it is easy to be in denial and keep trying to dig yourself out of the hole that you are in. I think it takes guts to admit that you cannot do this on your own. Im not really sure where to head after admitting it, but i do know that life is a process and sometimes you have to figure out the process of the process...and that can be really crappy at times.
My entire life I have been the one people have leaned on when they couldn't do it themselves...but now I am realizing that I need someone to lean on... there are times in our lives that we need others (someone) to live life on life with us, to help hold us up when we cant do it ourselves. Sometimes we need people to stand in the gap when we cannot do it on our own. I was that for someone this summer and I will tell you it can be the hardest but most peaceful, but HARDEST thing you can ever do. Everyone needs that. Everyone needs to be needed and does need someone as well.
I hold to the truth that God is there through the good times and bad, from before time began. He is on his thrown. NOthing I can do or believe or not believe will change that. He is there to be leaned on and lift the load when I cannot do it on my own. Sometimes, ok well a lot of times it is hard to believe because he is not sitting here in the flesh helping me, but then I look at my life and i can see how it has been dramatically changed by him. I would not be where I am today without him...I know so many people around me that would say that I have made myself who I am. I have climbed the ladder myself and I get through everything myself...but I still disagree. Every time I try "self perfect" or make myself better.. I fail. I fall on my face... Im probably not making any sense. But for those of you who have questions..feel free to ask. I have been here at the bottom and have been on top of the world.
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