9 weeks...

Its been about 9 weeks since she left for El Salvador. And it has been the longest 9 weeks of my life....some of the best weeks of my life...but some of the hardest. I feel like my better half, the one person who probably knows me better than anyone else, is missing and she is. She is serving the Lord in El Salvador. She is the candle in the dark place and I am so excited that she gets to be there! It is selfish of me to wish she was back in the states so that I could call her a million times a day just to talk about the same thing over and over..haha... She is and will always be my best friend. Today is a lonely day for me and that is why I miss her even more, but it dawned on me tonight as i was thinking that i was making her a top priority, when I should be making GOD my top priority. He is the one who will always be there...until then end of time and for eternity. It is easy to get caught up in the things of this world. I laughed at myself when it occurred to me that the statement people make about its easy to love God in the easy times, but when it gets tough we turn to other things or people to fill the hurt. So this time of loneliness is really one of the best gifts given to me. I am continually learning to put my trust in my Heavenly Father, rather that things of the world. HARD lesson for me to learn today.

Words of Wisdom

To laugh is to risk...appearing the fool
To weep is to risk...appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk...involvement
To exposefeelings is to risk...exposing our true self
To place your ideas, you dreams before a crown is to risk their loss
To LOVE is to risk dying
To Hope is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken
Because the greatest Hazard in life is to risk nothing at all
If you risk nothing and do nothing...you dull your spirit
You may avoid suffering and sorrow...But you cannot lear, feel, grow, love and Live
Chained by your attitude, you are a slave
you have forfeited your freedom

Only if you risk are you FREE

Funny How GOd Works

The picture you see is my NEW LAX TEAM!!!!

This morning I was reading through my past blogs and the one i wrote about being restless made me laugh when I read it. It is funny how God works. Little did I know then, but he as preparing me for what was to happen in the future...only months after i wrote it. I dont need to repeat the story...but God was preparing my heart for the transfer that I just made. Here I can already feel God at work in my life...I am still amazed at all the things he has done for me in the last 2 months!

Overwhelmed by His love for me

Starting about 2 months ago I had no a Idea where I would be this year for school or if i would even be in school this semester. I had to transfer from Colorado College to....somewhere. I was at kamp aka Kanakuk Colorado now called Camp Kivu. I was on a day off and got the dreaded phone call saying i needed to transfer. I felt like my heart was breaking and everything brought me to tears. About three days later there was a calm and a peace that came over me that only could have been from God because my flesh wanted to freak out. Through out my last weeks at kamp I applied to three school, UCCS (in the springs), Univ. of Memphis, and I reluctantly applied to Fort Lewis College (durango) thanks for a few people encouraging me to do so. I was completely against the idea of Fort Lewis for no really good reason, i just didnt want to go there. So I got home from kamp and i was still not accepted by any schools and the clock was ticking...school started at UCCS in a week and at memphis and Ft. Lewis, 2 weeks. I had NO idea what to do. Still through this there was a peace about it. For some reason I started talking to the Ft. Lewis lacrosse coach...I played at CC and loved it and had decided I wasnt ready to give it up yet. Kelley, my new coach, sounded interested in me ..so I thought, "why not give it a shot? Maybe God has plans for me that I had not made for myself." So the clock was still ticking...6 days til school started...it started to look like University of Memphis was the only school left...and God knows as well as everyone else knew i did not want to go there...Kelley, from Ft. Lewis, kept pushing for my admission and then started talking SCHOLARSHIP MONEY!! those were two words that were music to my ears. Now we were talking...5 days til school started...Kelley really wanted me there and I was unofficially admitted....she would give me money to play. So i talked to dad, who still was not convinced by the information i was able to give him. God always has everything under control... that night a few friends came over and he started talking to them about what school i should go to. By the end of the conversation he was 95% convinced that Ft. Lewis was the best option. 4 days til school starts. I call Kelley to check on some last minute things and then tell her I am coming... God showed the then that he had plans for me i had never dreamed of and he was beginning to reveal them to me. ok..how am i getting to school? I decided then that if God could provide a way for me to get there, it was meant to happen. 2 days before school starts I arrive in Durango, Colorado. ALWAYS wanted to live here, never thought I would.
School starts and I feel completely overwhelmed...I have 5 hard classes, all of which I need to get into the major I "think" I want...don't know anyone...desperately want a good christian community and friends...etc. Funny how God works. I have learned that when you surrender your plans for God, he will bless you beyond what you can ever imagine, with things that blow your mind. The second day of school..one of my Kamp friends, Jordan, takes me to Connect (a campus ministry). it seemed to me that christians didn't really exist at many schools in CO...FALSE..I am surrounded by christians here..more than I ever imagined. I am even in class with some of them. Friends....It normally takes me time to make friends and feel comfortable with people...here the freshman on my lacrosse team have embraced me and made it a point to include me. What is even cooler is that I learned yesterday one of them is a christian...How COOL is that? God is so powerful!!! I have never played on a team with another christian...someone who can encourage me in the way that I want to go and I can be there for her when she needs it. Another way God has blessed me....I went to visit friends at CC and while I was there I realize that in as many ways CC was good for me and an incredible growing experience, but it was time for a change. There were people there, who instead of helping me excel, were causing me to stumble and dwell on things of the past. I miss my best friend, Jessica, she is such a blessing to me and I love that God has brought her into my life, but it was time to go. Today, life started to slow down...and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Deep Sigh of relief.
Another thing God has been teaching me is that I can't rely on my friends and other people for the comfort I am seeking...It is between me and God. He is my Shepherd, my protector, healer, savior, comforter, provider. I didn't realize I had a problem doing this until my best friend, Erin, left this semester to be in El Salvador, with NO PHONE and really not much internet. She has been there for me ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT!! and now she isnt...and that's no Fault to her...Just how life goes.... It has turned out to be the biggest growing experience and blessing. God has show me that I can do it without everyone else there...I dont need to turn to a friend when I am in need (of course everyone does and needs to sometimes, but not all the time).
OK..so after writing all of this...what I want to say is...God has the power to do anything and will blow your mind when you least expect it and is there to comfort you when you are lost! this year is going to be phenomenal and I cant wait to share what he will continue to do in my life.

"The Peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7

Restless and Hoping

Have you ever sat with a group of people feeling completely disconnected from everything and everyone? You aren't mad at any one or even had a bad day, but something just isn't right? You feel restless and like something big is about to happen in your life but you don't know what? Part of you is scared to death and the other is breathing a sigh of relief. This has been me for the last semester, really the last few weeks. I have felt restless here at school longing for something drastic and different to happen, but at the same time I am scared to death. I'm not happy about where I am in my life. It feels stagnant at times. I mean I can say all the right things, believe the right things, and even do the right things, but at the end of the day that doesn't mean anything if there is no movement or real faith. It's a time in my life when I have No Idea what I want in my life or out of my life. My Dad has been soo helpful in trying to help me decide what I want to do with my life, but listening to him talk about what I should do with my life makes me frustrated because I don't just want to go to PT (Physical Therapy) school or business school or who knows what and just do what everyone else does with their life. I want to be someone who is remembered for being different and helping to change lives. So this is nothing against my family... (I hope all of you know that! I love you more than you know and more than I tell you! But I do! A ton and I miss you!) I have a friend who has been an inspiration (as well as a troublesome burden) to me. This friend can do anything they put their mind to and I am convinced that at some time in their life time they will change the world, and part of me wants to be apart of that (world/life changing stuff). And the other part of me says, "But what will I miss if I do that and commit?" And that is what bothers me. I don't want to be hesitant in what the Lord is calling me to do, and I don't want to miss it either because I have been to caught up in myself.

There is a part of me that wants to try many new things...like SKY DIVING, Hang gliding, Ice skating, Playing piano again, a 1 1/2 off the diving board (my friends here know I am obsessed with it).... I feel like school holds nothing for me... which I know is untrue. But I just feel restless.... I think that is how I can sum it all up.

I am currently listening to Yearn by Shane and Shane...and it talks about Yearning for the Lord and Burning with Passion for Him, and I don't feel that in my life right now. I know that He is always there and the King of my life, but I think that I haven't made him the one and only King in my life. I want to burn with passion for him. And not be intimidated by those who aren't believers and just want to pick a fight or see me backed into a corner. This summer at Kamp, Andy Braner, talked about sharing our faith in Institute. And he told us or asked us..."what do you have to lose? Nothing anyone can do or say will kick the King off the Throne of Heaven." I want to live life like that! Fearless of what people will do or say to me, knowing that my Father is the King of the universe and forever thankful that I have nothing to worry.

I was reading Psalm 119 today. David writes so much about loving the Lord and wanting to keep his commandments. He writes, How can a young man keep his ways Pure? By guarding it according to His word. With my whole heart I seek you, let me not wander from your commandments! I I have stored up you word in my heart that I might not sin against you... My soul melts away with sorrow, strengthen me according to your word...let your steadfast love come to me...Your hands have made and fashioned me; Give me understanding that I may learn your commandments...My eyes long for your promise, I ask,"when will you comfort me?"..." This is only a part of it. But all of this has become my prayer. That I may seek him to gain understanding and follow his ways without wavering.

Please pray for me in the next days, weeks, months...as school comes to an end and i got home for christmas and then the summer...and as I am trying to figure out what to do next.